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isolation sleep tank tests
Sunday November 22, 2009
beautiful morning
I woke up and got
out of my bed,
which btw was one
of my mother's bedroom
suites....
and i walked
and thought i was home
again...
at mother's
and this happens
often...but not
that often...
and i thought to myself...
"oh yeah...just a bad dream"
and thought mother
was still alive
and well you know
i am at home
my brother's
and it is the only
home any of us
are to have left
to centralize at
as my father put
his house up for sale
and everything in it
is my mother's
nearly....
he did this...
after he promised
my brother....
now...he can't hurt me
and he's almost done
hurting my oldest brother...
so, who next?
so, you know...
that man...is just
a sperm donar to me...
that's it.
i've been over him.
but he hurts my brother
my oldest one only.
my middle brother
of course stays
the medium course
as always,
being the middle kid
both young and old
get hurt first
me fast furious and fateful
oh well.
now...on with more
bad news...i can barely
swallow again.....
it hurts again
my lymph nodes/glands
are swollen a bit
but not as bad
and i told them
i needed anti-biotics
that i have sinus issues
all the time
and still,
"it's viral"
no it isn't
and why risk it?
i'm at around 105...
i'm bound to catch
a viral symptom
or illness anyhow
when the house is
filled on thanksgiving....
but no,
here they come...
the sore throat...
the ears beginning
to hurt....
same thing again...
and no appetite...
i'm just going to die
from this illness....
good god almighty
i have no white blood cells
to fight off infection
i'm doomed
coz i'm overly sensitive
in my lymph gland area
in my throat anyhow
for over 20 years
and have had to take
anti-biotics
so, no real lbs. have
been one here...
i tried to eat chicken
last night
and green beans....
forced myself.
when i see my Lupus Specialist
i'm going to ask
her if she will order
me nutritional drinks.
I can't eat
maybe the drinks
will help.
otherwise,
the depression is never
here in the morning
and it's obsolete when
my physical body gets ill...
and i was getting better...
and of course...
my manic side gets triggered
very easily...
not in the way you think...
where i'm hyper
and doing housework all day...
it's like someone
agitates me...
or i believe they are...
and these things trigger me
like my ex...my recent ex...
triggers me...quick....
he lives two blocks away
not good.
my manic phase consists
of basically "going off"
then i'll be alright
and usually just go
right down...
i'm basically a
depression....bi-polar...
and need to stay
away from people
and places
that might trigger me
which is about everywhere
due to my sensitivity
that i've had all
of my life
and i'm fighting
for my life again...
this time physically
because although
it sounds rather trivial
when you tell people
you are dying from Lupus
well,
i am.
when an illness causes
you to be unable to eat...
to have swollen throats
so you cannot swallow
for five days
not even water...
i call that "dying from Lupus"
other than that,
i have a child to call
today...my little girl
who is having good grades
but like me,
having trouble with math...
well,
i had trouble with
spacial parts of math...
just couldn't get it...
like geometry, trig
that's all for now
i was going to
the unity church
this morning
but my throat
hurts so bad
i can hardly swallow
the coffee
day by day
day by day
"oh dear lord three things i pray"
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Saturday November 21, 2009
boy, i feel really sick this day....
forcing a salad down and it just
doesn't like me and i don't seem
to like it right now and i remember
once i got a head of lettuce out
of the fridge at my mother's house
and i got a sharp knife and began
to cut the lettuce that way and my
mom says, "oh...lisa you are going
to hurt the lettuce"
well, i've never done it much since
then....coz how do i know...mother
was cute in her affections...to other's...
and so i tear the lettuce apart slowly
with my hands....
so, not feeling well...can't seem to
keep or ever have an appetite so i bought
ice cream with oreos in it...ate some twice...
bought the raw cookie dough and have been
trying to gain weight but i look in the
mirror and see my ribs....what the heck,
i don't think i'm that thin...but my
brother thinks i'm way so thin he brought
me to his home to eat...and relax...and
heal...
my heart is healing...but the weight...
nope. oh well...i like being thin..
but i didn't try....i have just been
sick and sick....it all started a few
months ago i noticed that a little nick
on my finger wasn't healing....you know
when you wash your dishes and get a nick
from a knife accidently?...yeah...didn't
heal forever.....then saw another tiny
spot on the other hand....a nick...next
day...a blood blister....i believe,
a spider bite...but they didn't have it...
and hospitalized me for that and my
throat swelled up and i couldn't swallow
and then now i notice my bruises take
like two weeks to go away....still do...
hey,so they say....no white blood cells
hardly to fight infection....
okay. I'd like to eat something.
i'm going to die.
i told my nurse that.
I said, "i'm not gonna make it"
and she just looked at me
and didn't say a word.
Just had that look of sorrow
on her face.
i was in health care.
it's easier to die
when you sit with people
who die on you.
i sat with a few.
now i sit with me.
and
god hopefully.
but i know
what i know.
what can you do?
nothing but keep
on going...
try to see my child
this winter....or
spring..fly down
god only knows.
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please....i can't wait until i get home
and buy another used computer for around
120.00 bucks because i can't deal with
these touchy feely i am alive really
laptops without wanting to cuss them out
because you barely touch something and
here comes another...it needs firewall
protection...more...and the thing with
laptops is...you can't insert the cards
as easily and build the computer as my
ex just bought cards and built the
computer by scratch for nearly nothing...
this needs firewall...and all kinds of
virus protection and needs rebooted...
so to speak....anyhow...it's just too
nice....i like my old ones...my fav
was my really really old virus ridden
HP...i truly don't want anything but
an old HP...Hewlett Packard...i worked
around those viruses like they were
nothing...loved that old thing...
just did and i threw it out and he
rebuilt it and and then we broke up
and he got all the material items....
i got me...
hey, i still talk to him....now and then..
might ask him if he has an extra around...
i can use...he helped me for years with
the grief over the deaths...never forget
him for helping me....tied my shoes...
it was just really bad...losing my mom...
just nearly killed me...pretty much did...
it was what mother told me uncle bob's
death did to her...."this is the big one"
and i knew then...i began my work...taking
care of mother...five years and missed one
night....one night...not going home with her...
when she asked...i always did...why?...i was
only painting purple crosses....for cristian
and apparently her..and didn't know it...
God knows these things....he has the plan...
yes he does...and i was meant to stay at
my place....because i would have normally
went in a split second, right then...
i pray that was part of the plan...i don't
know what the whole plan was but i have a
good idea that it's meant to be....that my
child is meant to be with Cristian's mother...
of course i get to see her...she knows....
i hugged her and cried last winter and told
her ....."oh sarah...don't ever leave me...
you're all i've got"....and she said, "I
love you"....noone around but us.
well...they blew that up out of proportion...
c'mon....let the kid be who she is...mine...
she is my child...she knows it...i do...
i'm not taking her back and wouldn't...
couldn't anyhow...but let us be together...
let me watch her in the school choir...
things like this...why not? Nana promised
that to me...when i signed the paper...
she promised me....we would all be one
big family....but i believe
it's meant to be because guess what?
I'm not doing well.
I have 0-? white blood count....nothing to
fight off infection....and when my body sees
something...it fights the good white cells
too....the anti-bodies fight off the good
and bad blood cells.....cause it cannot
determine which is good and which is bad...
that is what my disease is....that...
mine...is different....i'm afraid it's going
to or already has hit my kidneys....and i
took care of so many people....i can't count
the amount of people....and i don't mind...
i didn't then...and don't have one ounce
of regret in me...cause often this disease
just comes on...it's own....my immune system
always an issue in my life....my lymph nodes
always an issue...so the lady doc on television
who told the world it''s okay to gargle
with iodine is an idiot....iodine causes
cancer....of the lymph glands....big time...
don't listen to those talk shows....just don't..
even dr. phil....whatever....send yourselve to
one of those damn year long camps for bad
behavior....see how you turn out....worse
probably....i know i would...if i had some
marine ass like my dad...chewing my ass out...
oh hell no...i'd be gone that day...yep.
how about some tender loving care?
how about some love?
show love not anger
this a.m. i'm not feeling well as usual...
aching all over...take my meds.....minor
meds...only ones that i looked up with my
Psychiatrist one time in the hospital...
and we figured out a good regimine that
was minute and had little to no side
affects....just look it up in the book
before you EVER take anything...and i
throw the new pills away he thinks i'm
taking...this new Psychiatrist....i think
he knows....i take just a few...and will
more than likely not take anything for
my Lupus....nope. Not going to. No
need. I refuse to take any of the new
crap. I refuse to take steroids of any
kind. I've seen what these meds do.
I'm not getting a hunchback of Notre dame
issue...
these med companies know...these pills
are for dummies.....and i refuse to be their
latest test monkey....and then in two years
have them pull it off the market for causing
Diabetes....read your stuff on your meds...
it could cause weight gain and diabetes
and then you have to take other meds...it's
what they want....they make money that way....
no way....truly....just walk everywhere like
i do...take vitamins out the rear....eat green...
broccoli and lettuce...and every now and then
when you get that protein urge...eat meat.....
i'm doing this my way...and if i hit the dead
man's curve, well then i do..but i'm not having
them do it for me....been in health care too
many years....worked in it for what 20 years....
anyhow....my brother's attempts at getting me to
gain weight aren't panning out the best...my body
isn't used to so much food and just can't digest
it and refuses to keep it on my body....i've
gained a few pounds but it will come off...like
on a day like today when i feel no hunger...
and had the sniffles all night and was cold...
and it's warm outside for this time of year...
that's why my daughter is with her grandmother...
why everything happened the way it was supposed to...
never question the grand plan...just don't.
there is a reason....and i pretty much know i'm
not going to live very long...a few years...tops...
because of what i'm doing....which is not me...
i'm giving my oldest brother all of my antiques
that were given to me by my great grandmother...
everything....anything he wants....he will get
it all now....and i'll save some for Sarah....
but i'll begin to box it up and go through
it all...because i know...you just know what you
know....
i'll be more than happy to join
god....but i'm not quite ready yet...
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