it's been that long since i've been on? should be back online soon taking care of Pops he's been sick living life up close in your face hey, this is your reality deal with it now
...should be testing...testing...testing.. resting now...but will be testing out a new computer gig setup by spring... not ready....just hangin'...livin'... ya' know...or do you?...what's that song?
had the second computer internet got raised extra ten bucks would no longer hook up to my bad phone line frustration going to get cable use instead down the line after i spend spend spend on my beautiful child coz? she is in states of midwest and it is her month of birth and i'm so excited this week i get more gifts for her so writing on back burner you know sometimes you write sometimes you just live life
way it goes sadly happily truth. word up. yep.
i'm busy living life and enjoying it. getting a shot monthly for my bi-polar. it's working no weight gain coz i have a pill that takes that affect off coz every new med has what? weight gain so i asked doc to put me back on my old meds
i know what to take by now life is going rather smoothly and i find myself going along in the middle path and taking it. grabbing it. and hiding it under my arm so noone can come and steal it and give me my depression state.
That will come again, oh so sure of that one. But not now, coz of my child, coz it's beautiful outside and i'm with good friends and neighbors. and a great shrink.
get to see my child in a few weeks. it's a busy life for her. not much new for me.
i will write when i can. writing happens when the life gets down and the muse pops in so i'm living the life and waiting for the muse at a later date, if it comes, if not, i have enough writing it doesn't matter. The novellas are finished. just need polished for my child. nothing more nothing less
just life. living it. not so much loving it but trying to now.
that's all folks. oh, this song has been in my head for a few days.
oh, sometimes you live life... sometimes it lives you. I think it balances out well for the writers and artists.
it's deep deep inner pain God...it hurts inside worst than a broken bone on the outside.... because it never heals because everyone is stretching me like Gumby...
i have to be this way i have to act that way and i can't. and i won't. and i'm sick and i'm depressed because i was born that way. Then it kicked in hard in my youth.
then it just keeps kickin' like myself, a donkey kicking it's back foot at me throwin' the mud in my face.
i want to kill this pain... not me... i want to kill all this pain every single day every single minute it is there just waiting like a foreign object laying on my back making me scratch until it hurts outside.
it's not lookin' good. i'm fighting to want to live this life and i don't. God, if i could be near my child then maybe i might live.
If not. I'm done. I'm already done. The work has been written. I'm just lingering waiting on my very own personal scratch off ticket to fucking more pain.
if i leave i take it with me. doesn't matter. in life, so in death.
kill it kill this pain. kill this pain. it's killing me.
all i needed today was to talk to my child.
i need to speak to her every week and it's been two weeks. next week i will.
i miss my mother so bad it's strangling my heart. i miss my kid.
God, i want to die. I'd be lying if i said i didn't. this is why we use pills. prespriction
because every damn day i have to keep my depression in check, it leaves little time to enjoy anything in life!!!!!
That's why! That's why people leave early. They don't have the room to enjoy even seeing a rose bloom or mother's beautiful peonies bloom.
coz of the doom. people like me, born with doom and gloom and sadness and tragedy shouldn't have to endure the rest of their pathetic existence in a world full of hate and violence anyway.
God. i'm eating burnt toast. why? because i'm saving bread coz of the depression. and because i don't feel like making more. Coz i sit and wait and lift up the thing to see if it's done, and it NEVER is, so i go online and it burns.
maybe i should watch part 2 of the Anne Frank movie. That should wrap it up. This lousy cold and dreary night ready to rain, then turn 90 over the weekend!
sickening global warming messing it all up.
and you know what they say? that when one person commits suicide... that you know... or are close to... sometimes it causes a domino effect...
suicides all start happeneing it's freaky but true.
you figure, what the hell, that person had it all laying in the palm of his hand.... what happened?
and then, i have nothing in the palm of my hand... and i'm thinking.... why should i stay?
i know is wrong, but try telling the suicide inside that.
so all night i have to struggle... like all day.... when i could easily need a shot at the hospital and be fine... but oh, it's addicting....
the new thing... i don't care it saves my life it's synthetic for my headaches
bullshit life. burnt toast. have my child holding on by a thread... i'm wanting to leave i don't want to be anyone i don't want for anything
it's just done. i don't what's worse, staying for my child depressed and in near poverty pretending i can write and paint and i hate it all.
i'm nothing without her. but i'm lingering in this life and i've died twice now. The second time i died....my soul... my spirit broken... i died with my mother.
i'm just a walking ghost of what is a waste of human breath.
I died with her. I died the minute i saw her. I died inside. that was it. i didn't make it happen. i just died on the spot. That's a wrap.
then holding on for my child if she wants me to.
as i said before, it takes ALL and THEN SOME MORE of my energy to track my depression minute by minute coz one off and that's the ruin of the day, one pill less, throws the whole mess in a pile.
So i take them as prescribed. And the pain is still there. It will never leave. It hasn't since i was a kid. Soo because it takes everything to try and live each day, there is little to enjoy.
do you know how that feels? curled up on the couch all day and it's sunny out and the kids are playing and you are on the couch in a fetal position trying to hold on another day.
Then if you have a relationship, it's even more than the usual work due to my depressions and his issues.
i'm listening to Orphans the lullaby part He calls "Bawlers" but it's brilliant and so true to this day and perhaps always
i was told something very important in my dream last night by who else? my mother
that's how i know
what i know... she is lingering in between guarding her loved oness from the same beaast that got her
it happens with an untimely death....sometimes people don't go straight up to God...they haven't gotten past the part that they won't leave their loved ones behind unprotected and that's just like my mom
so...happy mother's day Mother. Thankyou for the information. Well needed. Got it. Taking it. Everything my mother told me in my life was right. And still is.
Basically, someone is trying to come between me and my child and i made the pact and noone will get between me and my child. Pact with God.
So i'm troubled this day. I won't go into detail. But i know what i thought i already suspected.... now i can game ahead of this person.... in a business situation and then i'm moving on to be near my child.....
and the guy in the front apt. is on my same team and he had a black eye yesterday and Wendall got beat up so bad for money he didn't have that there is a trial for he clung to life and he is mentally ill trying to live freely in an apt. but the robbers... the thieves... they enter... the Great Depression no. 2 if you think it isn't then you aren't thinking because there isn't one job to be had here and if there is, 30000 apply for one position and so that leaves the doors open for great theft and they prey on the weak and steal their food stamp cards and steal their disability money and anything they can get their greasy dirty devilish hands on because we are now in a world at war with itself good vs evil because anyone who will go out to the seas and rape the ocean from the animals who habitat there, only for oil, for greed is evil.
Do you see any Dolphins or Sharks or Sea Turtles knocking on your door to come in and make a nest and make a mess?
no. that is why it is wrong. we are in the wrong place. It's up to God. Not man. Man is the one who chooses his path. There are two. Good or Evil.
Choose it now. Stay close to the loved ones. Leave the rest behind. Stay inside. Locked inside. Just like jail. We are prisoners of our environment which is terribly depressed. So, I don't exit at night. period.
yep. it's bad. so i opened the Bible and read a passage just opened it randomly and it came to a chapter i was unaware of, and it said, The Day of the Lord is Coming.
If it weren't for my child, i wouldn't be here on this earth.
No way. This is pure hell. Look at our ocean. Look what they've done now ma. Look!
Please don't my child sea a beached up whale and dead and dying sea turtles coz they will come.... she's right on the gulf coast
i will finish my business here which is almost complete everything stolen that could be and take my computer and my writing it's so bad, that i gave my brother all my antiques i inherited to hold to have to keep.
Due to the environment we, the mentally ill, the depressed those who stumbled upon the path into thorn bushes and pirates and parasites like a dead body decomposing in front of your eyes parasites sucking the life out of everyone around you.
So we all stay in.
But what our president is doing is right on the path. He may not even know it, but "WE who Know" know.
yep. He's right on track. But you can't correct a world that has been disrupted and expect Monty to open the door and i will win finally, that Amana Radar Range and get two Maytag Washer and Dryers...
not like that because my father's generation was given everything and now they are hording instead of helping their children and letting the money flow so the economy can move the economy can't make movement without the flow of cash to hire people and pay them to do the work the Chinese and the kids in India are doing for dimes with no health insurance which is why the National Labor Board has stepped up.... yep.
you can't expect one person to change the course of direction towards the negative back to the positive times when jobs were in America and you shouldn't put paper money into paper hands where you see the men at the stock market holding fake paper money
work. save. don't invest in schemes in companies.
work. the end of the extended family is the demise of this country. That and Nafta. Giving all our jobs away so the rich can invest in Wall Street and so the companies don't have to pay heavy taxes or health insurance or benefits overseas.
What happened to RCA?? Maytag? General Electric?
who do you think really owns most of these companies??
We need jobs here in the U.S. And it isn't going to change from Nafta overseas jobs to sudden jobs here.
It will take time. Be patient. Supportive. At least this man isn't an oil greasy greedy evil seed.
truth. just like it read. it's there. the book of life. The Bible tells it all.
And it's happening right now. So i shall do what it says and keep close to my daughter while these horrible times pass or go into the chapter where the Lord is Coming.
That too, will take decades. Not an overnight thing. We are just in the beginning of the middle of the war against evil.
So i pray today for all people... there are too many holidays soon, we will have a "wash you hair day"
everyday should be Mother's Day. Don't just dump off some dying flowers on her table eat and chat for a minute then leave mother to watch the dying breed of flowers and feed the dogs before you go cause they will mourn themselves to death coz the selfish father left them alone while he drank and wouldn't give me my dogs they were mine and mother's and he wouldn't and they died.
like the flowers unless you make every single minute count coz i got a needles thrown in a hayfield and i found it and the only thread that will go through it and continue is my child and for that, i will stay, although i loath this world and i will stay and see her through and show her the needle and that will keep our love alive threaded bonded no stronger love than that between a mother and child.
Even in death, the bond will never break.
And whoever owns Halbitron responsible for the BP spill.. as Halbitron was privatized on that ship that spilled in the gulf.
If i ever see any owner of Halbitron. I will puke, hurl, throw up on your black shiny shoes that you are too damn lazy to bend over and shine yourselves for what you did in the waters that weren't yours to begin with.
Hell. Straight line there. Not even an initial in that Big Black Book. And there is on. I know. I died in a car accident broke my neck and survived.
I know who you are. The same bad evil seeds of that last administration. You dumped it on purpose.
Now the Polar Bear may be saved from Sarah Palin's "drilling on the artic coastline" but the Giant Sea Turtles may go extinct and my child might see some beached up whales.
Unforgiveable. God, Let Me Go. But i can't. I must protect my child. In jail, i read the Bible from front to back from back to front and i got to visions. One, that my possessions would be okay while i was in there. The other, that i was going to live a long life. But it didn't say healthy or prosperous.
God, make them stop hurting us! It's Mother's Day and i'm this box isolated from more pain from the world, because my mother... because i found her dead because of greed in my family.
That's two unforgiveables!
Everyone is this house of apartments is hiding out from the world.
The guy up front has a black eye and noone gives him a smoke coz he's a joke to them because he's on the Team of Mentally Ill he has a diagnosis, hey, strip down your substances away to the bone and find out what diagnosis you have. Don't laugh at him. You have no clue what happened to him in his childhood.
Go to Hell for laughing at us. For making fun of all of us "who know the truth"
the mentally ill know more truth than anyone i've ever been around or been one.
let us be. let me go. And stay out of the ocean unless you see a shark at your door. They are hidden everywhere. I'm saying what i want today because i have freedom of speech. You don't like me, don't read me.
Because what i write is straight up from the heart. So call me any name in the book. The only truth is, my name is written in the Book. Is yours?
Mind your own. Help people instead laughing at them, or leave this earth.
For the meek shall inherit the earth.
Happy Mother's Day. If the damn shoe fits, then fucking wear it. Or go barefoot. I'll crawl to God. I'll scrape my way to my daughter and see that she lives a long and prosperous happy life... while i sacrifice mine to small boxes. That is my mission. And to help other's on the way.
They dump whom they are merely afraid of.... those people who don't fit in society... because they don't want to so they dump us in the river and we swim the tide and we go through every trial and tribulation and we come out alive!!!
And meek and humble and God fearing. Yeah, you...and you? I can say Amen. and know in my heart i haven't hurt anyone and hopefully i've helped someone today. By a smile. By a dollar for a coke. A smoke. Not a black eye searching for a smoke. rolled up butts.
that's us. Look ma! Look ma, what they keep doing to us! she knows.
they should call this father's day, so i can shit on his shoe that's how i feel until he gets his ass over here coz he lives nearby closer than any family and he won't come over and sit down and talk. Nope. I used to worship this man, now he's the biggest sonofabitch i know.
He went right to my child's town on vacation with two of my brothers and i said, "why didn't you see my daughter?" and he replied, "why should I?' and I said, "because you are her grandfather"'
whether he likes it or not. he won't pay for my plane ticket to see my own child, but he will his, to not see my child in order to throw another knife in my heart. JUst like he did mother. So he did it to me. Now he's on to my brother. and my brother, how faithfully you act towards such evil and he knows it.
i'm telling like it is. no way around it today. she lay dead. my daughter is with her grandmother happy right now. And that's all that matters.
They destroy and kill everything I love If you are happy they will make sure you are sad.
They killed Sparklehorse. How could he shoot himself in the heart with 12 gauge????
bastards. I miss Mark Linkous and if he did do it, he was pushed into it by this pathetic existence called life.
